Crazy Cool Family: Guardrails With Vision

Have you ever driven across a high bridge or around a mountain road?

You may not give much thought to the guardrail beside you, but that guardrail is providing safety, direction, and protection. It is not there to ruin your drive. It is there to keep you from going over the edge.

Children need guardrails too.

Guardrails say to our children, “I love you too much to let you live without wisdom, direction, and protection.”

The challenge is that our well-intentioned guardrails can sometimes damage the very connection we are trying to protect. We can become controlling, angry, overly critical, or obsessed with rules.

The goal of parenting is not simply parent control. The goal is to move our children from parent control toward self-control.

One of the best ways to do that is to put vision into our guardrails.

We follow instructions because we have to. We follow vision because we want to.

Young children need simple instructions: “Do not touch that stove because it will burn you.” But as children grow, we must explain the bigger purpose behind our guardrails.

“We work hard in school because you are developing the ability to learn.”

“We treat people with kindness because every person is valuable to God.”

“You have been given gifts. How might God want you to use them?”

Guardrails are not the enemy of freedom. Guardrails lead to freedom.

We often told our children, “With responsibility comes freedom.” As they demonstrated responsibility, honesty, and communication, — i.e. they lived within the guardrails we set for them — we gave them increasing freedom. When they demonstrated self-control, they could be trusted with more freedom.

Sometimes guardrails must be firm, especially when children are young or behaving irresponsibly. But even firm guardrails can be delivered with connection and vision. We can remain calm, explain why the boundary exists, listen to our child’s concerns, and still hold the line.

Guardrails are necessary, but how we deliver the guardrails has a huge impact on their reception from our children. Our guardrails should guide the child without crushing their heart. 

Here are some tips to developing guardrails with vision for your children:

Talk with them about the guardrails. Don’t just announce the rule. Have a conversation. “Let’s talk about what we think is a reasonable time for you to be home on weekends.” 

Share the why behind the guardrail. Help them understand the purpose, not just the restriction. “We don’t want phones in bedrooms at night because sleep is important and phones can make it hard to shut your brain down.” 

Give the child responsibility in honoring the guardrail. Let them own part of the process. “You know what time you need to be home. If plans change, it’s your responsibility to text us before that time and let us know.”

Consider this: How do you feel when rules – i.e. strict guardrails with no explanation – are put on you? Does it make you want to follow them or want to get around them? 

Now how do you feel when someone gives you guardrails with vision and purpose and includes you in making them? We may still resist them, but they are much easier to follow.

Our children are no different. They are little people just like us with ideas, hopes, dreams – and resistance. Guardrails with vision help us break down that resistance to provide better response from them and connection with them.