I was in a courtroom some years ago. I’m not an attorney so thankfully being in a courtroom doesn’t happen very often for me.
In the proceedings the witnesses were only allowed to specifically answer the questions. They could not elaborate. In fact, the witnesses were chastised by the judge if they did try to elaborate.
The effect? At the end of the proceedings, it seemed to me most of the facts were presented but the situation was not really understood. The judge missed the true narrative of the story with his rules. To understand the story and make a good ruling, the judge needed to understand more than just the facts of the story. He needed to hear what was behind the facts, the why of the facts, and the motivations of the parties. It made me glad I didn’t go to law school.
Of course, I applied the situation to parenting and thought about how hard it is sometimes with our kids to go from information — facts — to really understanding a situation.
In the courtroom, everyone was on edge since they were focused on following the rules of the judge. How often as parents does our approach with our kids make them feel like they are in a courtroom with a judge instead of with their parents who love them?
What if we acted more like parents who love our kids and less like judges in the courtroom of life? If we did, do you think we would be able to open up the hearts of our kids and encourage them to genuinely express themselves to us? So often parents complain about their kids not talking to them. Could we be part of the problem?
The stories of our kids’ lives are messy. They talk to us through the lens of their fears and insecurities. They really want our approval so they try to “please the judge,” so to speak.
And then so often we are so busy and impatient we “don’t need all this fluff” and we want to just “get to the facts.” And we miss their heart. Like the judge, we have the facts right – maybe – but we really don’t understand the situation.
But when we take the longer road and ask the right questions and truly understand the situation facing our child, amazing parenting happens! We see through the facts to the underlying causes. We see true motivations. We see their fears and insecurities.
And then so many cool things happen in our interaction with our child. We have built trust with them so they are more open to our counsel because they have felt seen and heard. We make better parenting decisions and, most of all, our kids are more likely to follow our counsel.
So how do we get our kids to see us less as a judge and more as a safe, loving parent?
1. Watch our tone. Just like the judge with his rules, our tone can keep our kids from wanting to share the true story with us. In the Bible in Hebrews 4:16, it says, “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” What does your throne – your position of authority as a parent – look like to your child? The right tone can help you be approachable to gain full understanding of the situation.
2. Ask questions before we instruct. At some point — again like the judge — we have to make a ruling. The more we really understand about the situation, the wiser decision we will make.
3. Help them come to the best conclusion. What if we lectured less and guided more? The more we guide our kids to the best conclusions instead of telling them what to do, the more they will put those conclusions into practice. We always like ideas better when we believe they are our ideas. Our kids are no different!
I know. It’s easier to just be a judge and enforce the rules. But is it best? Remember our goal is to have our kids make wise decisions on their own, where they don’t need the judge to make a ruling. As we connect with our kids and understand their situations before we act, we will make better parenting decisions and our kids are more likely to follow our guidance.
