I have now been a parent for over 30 years to our seven amazing kids. Our last one just turned 20 last month. Twenty-three years of teenagers. Done! Not to mention about that many years of diapers long before that!
There came a time about the end of my first decade as a parent that I realized something. Something big. Something that changed the trajectory of my life and my family.
Big build up, huh? Are you ready?
Throughout that first decade I thought my most important goal in being a dad was to focus on the character and behavior of my children. To make them obey and to not hit their brother and to do their homework and brush their teeth. And while those are worthy things to do, they are not the most important.
My most important goal in being a dad was not changing my children.
It was changing me.
The real parenting secret I learned is that the best thing I can do for my family is to present to them the healthiest version of me.
I’m not saying we don’t make them brush their teeth and do their homework. Again, important. Just not the most important.
My most important focus was for me to become the best man I could be. Because as I became a better man, I became a better parent. And my kids responded to me so much better.
For example, I would be angry with them because they did not do things to my standard. So what did my kids do? They hid things from me or lied to me because they did not want to receive my wrath. When I became less angry and a safer choice, they brought their issues to me and were more honest with me. My actions were teaching them to lie and as I changed, I began to teach them it was safe to tell the truth.
When I learned to love them as unique creations of God instead of being annoyed at them because they were inconvenient, over time they began to see themselves differently and become more confident in their own lives. My vision of them impacted their vision of themselves.
I learned that my example was more important than my instruction. That my kids copied more of what I did than what I said.
I learned the power of forgiveness. That when I messed up, I could go to them and ask their forgiveness and restore the relationship with them. That I had a lot of influence on breaking down the barriers that can come up with our kids.
At Crazy Cool Family, we are a faith-based ministry. We say, “the best fathers and mothers are first sons and daughters of the King.” In our faith, we receive our identity as beloved children of a King and then do our best to act like that beloved King with our children. Whatever your faith story is, the lesson can be the same. When you parent out of your best self, great parenting happens.
Parenting begins with me being my best self and then allowing the best of me to overflow into the lives of my kids.
