February is Valentine’s month, a time when we celebrate love, commitment and the vows we made decades ago. But for many couples, love no longer looks like flowers and dinner reservations. It looks like caregiving.
Recently, I read a quote that stopped me in my tracks: “In our wedding vows, we promise to care for each other in sickness and in health. Nowhere do the vows say we have to be the one doing the caring.”
That truth came into sharp focus this week when I spoke with an older gentleman caring for his wife with advanced Alzheimer’s. She is non-verbal and fully dependent on him. He has been deeply committed to the vows he made decades ago, honoring them with loyalty, devotion, and determination.
But he is also exhausted.
He has refused help of any kind — no home care, no respite and no willingness to consider memory care. His health is declining under the weight of caregiving that has become too much for one person to carry alone.
As a caregiver myself and a senior living placement advisor, I understand this struggle personally. Many spouses believe that accepting help means failing, that stepping back somehow diminishes their love. In reality, the opposite is often true.
Sometimes the most loving decision is recognizing when care needs have changed and allowing others to help carry the load. Assisted living or memory care is not giving up; it can be an act of profound love that protects health, preserves peace and allows couples to remain connected as husband and wife, not just patient and caregiver.
As author Glennon Doyle reminds us, “We can do hard things — but we don’t have to do them alone.”
As we reflect on love this Valentine’s season, it’s worth remembering that asking for help can be one of the bravest expressions of love there is.
Lori Williams is Certified Senior Advisor, Author, and owner of the multi-award-winning senior placement service, Lori Williams Senior Services. Contact her at 214-783-1222
Loriwilliams-seniorservices.com
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