In his book “Power vs. Force: The Hidden Determinants of Human Behavior,” Dr. David Hawkins has developed through research with millions of people the Map of Consciousness. In this map, he assigns a number to our emotions with the low numbers being emotions that will take us down and bring others down around us and a higher number being those emotions that bring life to us and others around us.
You know which emotion has the lowest number? Humiliation.
Humiliation. The feeling or state of being made to lose pride, dignity, or self-respect—often through being embarrassed, shamed, or degraded in front of others. In his ranking, humiliation is worse than anger, anxiety, despair, hopelessness, and many others.
Why am I talking about this? Because I think as parents we humiliate our kids more often than we think and I think if we built our kids up more instead of humiliating them, they would respond much better to us.
And what’s funny is almost every parent would agree — I don’t talk to many parents who say, “Humiliation is good!” but yet our actions sometimes are different.
We talk down to our kids.
We yell at them in anger and frustration.
We lecture them in front of their friends.
We describe them in unflattering terms in front of themselves and others.
We interrupt them.
It’s amazing to me to watch how a parent will be talking to a friend and being so kind and engaging and then their child shows up and they immediately look down on their child and talk to them with an irritated, harsh tone. If someone did that to me, I think I would feel humiliated. Remember the definition? “Embarrassed, shamed, or degraded in front of others.”
Just go watch a youth sporting event. Outmatched only by the treatment of the referees, many of the children are getting worst of the treatment by parents.
I don’t say this to make us feel bad about ourselves as parents, but rather to draw it to our attention. Why? Because I don’t think a lot of us realize we are humiliating our kids, and I think almost all of us would want to change it if we thought we were doing it!
Is that true for you? Would you rather build up your child rather than humiliate them? Would you rather build up their dignity and self-respect rather than tearing it down? Here’s some suggestions we can all use:
Think about how you would feel if someone said or did it to you. You know the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” Think about what it would be like on the other side of you.
Reduce the frequency of the correction. Most of the time they know they did it wrong (if you think they don’t, just ask them) so they really don’t need to hear it from you again. And remember, it takes time to have real change occur.
Apologize when we say humiliating things. We want the best for our kids but sometimes we don’t give them our best. That’s ok. Tell them you’re sorry and you will try to do better next time. Our kids are resilient and forgiving.
Treat them as people. Other people deserve to be looked in the eye. Other people deserve to be encouraged. Other people don’t deserve to be yelled at. Are your kids people? Then treat them that way.
Want to know the opposite of humiliation? Encourage. Honor. Build up. Elevate. What if our words and actions were more like those words instead of humiliation? How do we think our kids will respond?
Please don’t let these words bring humiliation to you as a parent. Instead, let them encourage you to parent in a way that brings life to your family relationship!
