“Why?”
One little three-letter word. Seems harmless, right?
Now put that word in the mouth of a three-year-old. Why is the sky blue? Why do dogs bark? Why do I have to eat vegetables? Why do I have to brush my teeth?
Not so harmless. Kind of annoying. But so important. Why, you may ask? Because these little minds are building a database for life. The why questions are part of a massive database mining operation that is going to shape their belief system for life.
What if as parents we saw “Why?” as amazing? Connective? Essential? Rewarding? What if we changed our belief system about the “Why?” questions from our kids?
You see, our goal with our kids should not be to shut down the “Why?” questions. Our goal should be that the “Why?” questions never stop.
Because they are always building that database. They are always building that belief system. As they get older, the “Why?” questions and the beliefs go deeper.
Why do I have to do algebra? I’ll never use this in my life!
Why can’t I fit in? Find friends? Be accepted?
Why does God allow such suffering in the world?
Why is my life so hard?
The toddler asks “Why?” to understand their world. The teenager asks “Why?” to understand their place in their world.
So what do we do when our kids ask “Why?” Here are some ways to respond:
Encourage Curiosity: Show enthusiasm for their questions. You might say, “That’s a great question! I’m glad you’re curious about that.”
Provide Age-Appropriate Answers: Tailor your responses to their age and understanding. For younger kids, keep it simple, while older kids may appreciate more detailed explanations.
And it’s ok to tell your child they are not old enough to handle that information. You can say, “I want to talk to you about that topic, but it needs to wait until you are a little older.” Just know your kids have access to a lot of information out there, so try to talk about it if you want to be the key influence in their lives.
Ask Follow-Up Questions: This is huge! Instead of just answering, ask them what they think. For example, “What do you think the answer is?” What if you can help them come up with the right conclusions instead of you telling them the way they should think? Aha! Then we will get buy-in. They will own and adopt the conclusion so much better if they think of it instead of you.
Use the Opportunity to Teach Values: When appropriate, connect their questions to your family’s values or beliefs. This can help them understand the “why” behind your family’s principles.
For example, let’s say your child disrespected a teacher and now has to go apologize to that teacher. We say to them, “In our family, we honor people and we honor authority. We respect those God has placed in our lives and believe they are for our good even when we can’t see that good all the time. So the right thing to do is to ask forgiveness for our wrong against them to reconcile the relationship and to show honor to them.”
Be Honest: If you don’t know the answer, it’s okay to say, “I don’t know, but let’s find out together.” This shows them that it’s okay to seek knowledge and learn. It also puts them in a position of a partner with you figuring out life instead of being told what to think and do.
Create a Safe Space for Questions: Let them know that they can ask anything without fear of judgment. This builds trust and encourages open communication.
This one gets hard as they get older. Sometimes you will get questions that make you nervous or fearful about their hearts and belief systems. But take a deep breath and keep the conversation going. You’ll be glad you did.
“Why?” A little three-letter word with big life implications. Encourage your kids to ask “Why?” and then meet them where they are with their “Why?” questions. At every age. And you will see your child trust you and give you influence in their lives.
