It’s the end of an era for us as our last child walked the high school graduation stage a few weeks ago.
Seven kids – four girls and three boys.
Thirty-four years of parenting.
Home school some years, private and public school in other years.
Lived in Lewisville and Double Oak and now Argyle.
Involved in the same church – Valley Creek — for our entire parenting life.
Worked for companies in some years and owned local businesses in others.
Thousands of diapers changed.
Hundreds of teeth lost.
Thousands of practices and sporting events.
Dozens of mission trips all over the world.
Beach trips, ski trips, sports trips.
Seven kids and 34 years later, what have we learned? As our hair starts to gray and our kids move into adulthood (giving us grandkids – yea!!), what is the most important takeaway?
Three words. Connection is key.
Connection – the act of joining or the state of being joined to something else, or the part or process that makes this possible.
Connection. Relationship. The important but messy and sometimes difficult part of family. The definition says to be “joined to someone else,” we must participate in a “process that makes this possible.” How we do the process of relationship over the years of parenting will determine how well we are joined to our kids.
As we talk to parents in our Crazy Cool Family ministry, we find parents knowing and agreeing with the value of connection.
Connection builds security and attachment, teaching our child their world is safe and they are loved and protected.
Connection teaches a child how to regulate their emotions with us so they can eventually learn to regulate on their own.
Connection gives a child identity and worth within a family.
Connection gives a child a safe haven to run to when the adversities of life begin to creep into their lives.
Connection within a family trains a child to operate in relationships outside the family in a healthy way.
Connection is key.
True confession here. When I started parenting 34 years ago, I didn’t know connection was key. I thought obedience was key. I thought performance was key. Honestly, when I look back to my early years of parenting, connection was involved but it was not primary.
I was an involved, responsible, hard-working parent trying my best to get my kids to obey and perform well. When they did something wrong, I made sure they knew it. Why? So they would do it right the next time. And if they did it wrong again, guess what? I told them again. The primary goal was to teach them to do it right and do it well. Good parenting. Right?
And yet, over time I saw my focus on obedience and performance driving a wedge in the connections. Little signs of avoidance. Hiding things from me. Not wanting to be around me. Fear of my disapproval.
And I saw them acting in fear. Fear of mistakes. Fear of failure. Fear of disapproval.
What if my primary focus on obedience and performance was creating their fears and the wedges in our relationships? What if with my best intentions I was creating things I did not want to happen?
What if I needed to change my primary focus from obedience and performance to connection?
Jesus thought so. In Matthew 22: 37-40, when they asked him the most important commandment, he said, “Love.” First to God and then to others. He could have said obedience, but he didn’t. He said love.
I learned over time connection did not mean lowering my standards for my children. Jesus has super high standards for our lives. He tells us to forgive all the time and to be totally generous and turn the other cheek and walk the second mile and so much more.
Connection is simply a much more fun and effective way to reach the hearts of our kids and guide them into being their best. When we focus first on the process of connection, we build inside them this reservoir of hope and confidence that overflows from them as they go into the world. Instead of pushing them away from us, we give them a partner to help them navigate their life journey. Instead of obedience through fear, we build children who obey because they believe that action is best for them.
But so many of us have never seen how to do relationship at a high level. Learning to do relationship well is both an art and a skill that is developed over time and most of us did not receive that training growing up.
So how do we learn to connect with our kids? We can help with that. For free. Go to crazycoolfamily.com and sign up for The Playbook. We will drip a little content into you each day so you can begin to see the power of connection in your family and learn the key ways to improve at connection.
Connection is key and a focus on connection with your children will give you the relationship with them you have always wanted as you help them be their best.
