Did you know your children are watching how you talk about your spouse and your words will impact the spouse they choose?
Every day your children are quietly building their picture of what marriage should look like. Every compliment you give your husband or wife, every expression of gratitude, every word of honor becomes part of that picture. They are learning what to admire, what to value, and ultimately what to look for in a future spouse.
Now that picture is a little fuzzy at first. Two of our grandkids — ages four and five at the time — came up to their parents and told them they wanted to get married to each other. When their parents asked them why they wanted to be married, they said that married people got to stay up late and watch shows together. In their minds, if they got married, they wouldn’t have to go to bed so early.
That’s a funny story, but it shows how our kids are building their own view of the world by what they see around them. Just as a parent has significant influence on a child’s view of themselves by the way the parent interacts with the child, that same child is shaping their view of marriage by looking at their parent’s marriage and other marriages around them.
Imagine a mother telling her daughter, “Your dad is a man of integrity. He works hard for our family, keeps his promises and makes me feel loved.”
Or a father saying to his son, “Your mom is kind, wise and has made our family stronger because of the way she loves us.”
Those words don’t just encourage your spouse—they shape your children’s hopes and expectations of their future spouse.
When a daughter grows up hearing her mother honor her father, she begins to believe that men can be trustworthy, loving and strong. She is far more likely to look for those qualities in the man she marries instead of settling for someone who lacks character. Likewise, when a son hears his father consistently celebrate his mother, he develops a deep respect for women and gains a vision for the kind of husband he wants to become and the kind of woman he will pursue.
This doesn’t mean pretending your spouse is perfect. Every marriage has challenges. We can’t choose how our spouse acts (as much as we would like to), but we can control how we speak about that spouse. We can choose to make honoring our spouse louder than our criticism.
So how does that practically look like in our everyday life?
Find opportunities to praise – Look for things your spouse does well and highlight those things with enthusiasm.
To the cook: “That was an amazing meal.”
To the provider: “Thanks for working so hard to provide for this family.”
To each other: “Your mom is so beautiful!” or “Your dad is so handsome.”
Handle correction privately – If at all possible, allow your spouse to make mistakes publicly without correction. Then talk about the issues privately.
Remember, your words to your spouse are creating your child’s “normal” for marriage. The picture of marriage you paint today will become the picture – and the spouse — they pursue tomorrow.
Speak life over your spouse in front of your children. You’re not just strengthening your marriage—you are helping your son or daughter believe they are worthy of a loving, healthy, God-honoring marriage of their own someday.
