Men
Open closet door. Select shirt. Select pants. Select socks and underwear. Shave in shower and dry off. Toss towel in laundry basket, pausing for a brief moment to wonder where clean towels come from. Thoughts interrupted by an ESPN alert on iPhone with latest scores. Put on a splash of cologne, clothing, and shoes. Kiss everybody goodbye and head out for work. Stop by Starbucks on way to office and spend $4.00 on coffee of choice. Whistle all the way to work.
Women
Wake up at crack of dawn. No, before crack of dawn. Decide not to hit snooze, even though more sleep is desirable. Preheat oven while making coffee. For everyone. While reading the 31st Proverb in one hand, use other hand to insert into oven the breakfast casserole you prepared the night before.
Shower, wash hair, shave 50% of your body. Dry off, wrapping hair in towel, and put on robe AND a load of laundry. Pour a cup of coffee and make sure the others are awake. Select dress for work. Select bra, panties, tights, belt, and shoes. Remembering that the purse you are currently filling with iPhone, kids’ schedules, reading glasses, and emergency sewing kit is BLACK, NOT BROWN, change belt and shoes. Dress does not match BLACK BELT. Select new dress. Check to see if kids are awake. If not, turn on big light.
Grabbing a second cup of coffee, check on the breakfast casserole. If all is well, head back toward bedroom to begin getting into clothes. In the case that the dress is NOT BELTED, in conjunction with the panties or tights causing a mushroom top underneath dress, remove dress and add SPANX, the best invention known to all mankind.
Realizing that bra strap is slightly exposed on shoulder. Remove dress and select new bra. Put on dress again to see if new bra works, only to realize that cleavage is now showing. Remove dress add camisole with Lycra.
Noticing that camisole makes a huge line across your backside remove dress and add full-length slip. Keep SPANX. Yell at out to your kids to get dressed.
The dress you have now selected because of your decision to wear the black belt that matches with your current purse has a slit in the skirt that exposes your tights. Rethinking your decision to wear exposed lacey tights, opt for the solid tights. After lying down on the bed with one foot on the dresser to ensure the crotch of the solid tights is not drooping to your knees, look proudly in mirror at your accomplishment only to notice the tiny hole in the solid tights that will likely cause an exposed rip by your noon appointment. Throw the lacey tights in your black purse, near your sewing kit, in case of emergency.
Remove breakfast casserole from oven. If you are not shaking yet, get another cup of coffee. Apply makeup at kitchen table while the others eat.
Sign your kids’ homework.
Hair is now dry in towel. Spray hair with water bottle and three products, one for smoothing, one for shine, and one for stiffening.
Turn on curling iron while blow-drying hair. Curl hair.
Eat breakfast and clean up. Fix a coffee to go.
Direct the others to get everything they need for day and get in car. Get pet BACK OUTSIDE and wipe up paw prints. If tights rip while cleaning up paw prints…don’t panic. And lastly, if you notice excessive sweating, you may have just hit menopause and you should eat some chocolate and call your gynecologist immediately.
Note from writer: This article was completed at 3:53 AM. It may contain some slight exaggerations, except where the women are concerned.
Read Brandi’s column each month in The Cross Timbers Gazette newspaper. Follow Brandi on Twitter @BrandiChambless
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