Dear Tim Tebow: I’ll bet there’s a lot of pressure on you already, what with you being the Broncos’ quarterback, building third-world hospitals and all, and inventing Tebowing. I really hate to add to the stress, I do, but Tim Tebow, only you can save my daughter. –Pamela Fagan Hutchins
Now that Prince William is off the market, Tim Tebow is fast replacing Prince Harry as The World’s Most Eligible Bachelor. While mothers and teenage girls everywhere send customized media messages to the wholesome hunk, the race transpires to see who will come in second place to Jesus and snag Tebow’s heart for good. While I’m pretty sure there’s not a snowball’s chance in Casey Anthony’s secret Floridian hideaway that it’s going to be Katy Perry, likely much to the chagrin of her highly optimistic parents, I can see that he’s not in much of a hurry at all. I just don’t see these two as a match anyway. They represent two completely contradistinctive value systems that no “opposites attract” theory could possibly overcome.
That Tebow is not in any rush gives me some tim
e for my plan to work: Operation Debutante. Like an overzealous stage Mom, I’ve taken it upon myself to invite Timmy to attend the Krewe of Cronus Debutante Ball as my cousin Lindsey’s date. In hindsight, she may actually have a boyfriend, but I think he probably won’t mind as long as he gets a picture with the Broncos’ ingenue for FB profile pic bragging rights.
I’m sure with Tim’s evangelical upbringing, he can count the number of Mardi Gras Balls he’s been to without the removal of his shoes, but I just wanted to set one thing straight for the record. The Krewe of Cronus Debutante Ball isn’t one of those show me something soirées. Oh no. There are plenty of respectable people who celebrate the art of fine living through this Mardi Gras ball in a gentile manner that would garner even Pope Benedict’s approval. Why, as a society we have generally become so OSHA conscious and politically correct that Walmart won’t even bake a baby into a king cake anymore and at times I have asked myself what the world is coming to over it!
So, I’m hoping for Lindsey’s sake that Tim Tebow says yes, but until we hear his final answer, I thought I might share some words of wisdom with my youthful cousin on the cusp of her coming out party.
First and foremost…get the right dress. Yeah, yeah. You want to cover all your parts. Sure that’s important. And Tim would have it that way. But, more importantly, let me tell you why the right dress will save you from a world of embarrassment.
The Honest Truth: Our family has a recessive “excess sweating” gene that has shown up in your first cousin and my sister Ava. Despite God’s endowment of Ava’s impeccable fashion taste and her being on 24-hour call for our family’s fashion emergencies, God also gave her overachieving sweat glands.
What this means: I can’t tell you how many pictures we have of Ava just prior to the arrival of some hot date in which she is sitting around with tissues tucked underneath her armpits. We don’t even call them armpits anymore where Ava is concerned…we just call ‘em pits. Her theme song should be If I Die Young, Bury Me In Cotton.
Second, don’t try to be something you’re not. I’m sure Tim Tebow would appreciate me quoting the inerrant Word of God, so let me tell you that I have found this to be true: His divine power has given us everything we need for life and Godliness. I think part of life’s journey is the unveiling of everything that God has placed inside of us, attributes uniquely our own. While digging through my closet to find a gown for the ball, I remembered one or two in the far left corner. I hadn’t seen those in a while. Sort of forgot they were there anyway. I thought of all those hidden gifts we have. Like those unworn dresses in the back of the closet, don’t forget about using all the talents God has given you even if you have to dig deep to remember them!
Also, remember to surround yourself with friends who aren’t masquerading as something THEY are not. Find the true blue friends of a lifetime that will stick with you through thick and thin. And before Cupid’s bow strikes, always look for a man that really understands the Tebowing effect on your future and his. If you can find such a man, what a headstart it will be!
I use this word headstart because there are so many other categories that demand a little training by a woman in even the very best of men. Like how they should never stir a pot and set the gravy spoon on the stove. That’s why God invented spoon rests. Or, when the toilet paper roll is down to cardboard that means it is time for a change. FOR MAXIMUM RESULTS, the roll should be oriented “over”, not “under”. Yes, you see, women are so full of interesting information that seems to help our men along through life. If you don’t believe me, just DVR My Big Redneck Vacation from time to time. These ladies are constantly imparting wisdom to their burly men.
Finally, if Tim Tebow doesn’t show up to the ball, Lindsey, I’m sure it’s because he is probably stuck in a prayer meeting somewhere asking the Lord to bring him someone like you, The Other Perry Girl, Kimberly, of The Band Perry. She’s pretty, talented, spunky, AND I think she just may love Jesus as much as America’s favorite RICH bachelor. I hope she considers any potential pit problems as she selects her gown for the Grammy awards, being nominated with her brothers Reid and Neil as Best New Artist.
Meanwhile, I’ll be making a few phone calls on your behalf, my dear, but don’t worry. I have a Plan B. I’ll just bet Jarrett Lee is somewhere still waiting in the wings hoping I might ask HIM to be your escort. He not only has plenty of time on his hands now that the college football season is over, but last time I checked all of America would be happy to see him in the game, so to speak.
So don’t you worry, my sweet little one. Ava (Sweaty Pits Girl) and I will be bringing the entire standard operating procedures of any debutante (as we see them, of course) just in case you may need some helpful hints from the Has Beens. Somehow, I have enough confidence in you that I would wager 1,000 doubloons that you’ll probably be just fine even without our help. Nevertheless, enact Operation Debutante. We got your back so get out there, girl, and own the night! It’s your time to shine brighter than the moon. To Lindsey…with love.
Read Brandi’s column each month in The Cross Timbers Gazette newspaper.